Rancho Bernardo Community Presbyterian Church

We are in the second week of a sermon series on transforming relationships.

Nearly one hundred years ago waves of revival swept over the churches of Wales. The Holy Spirit washed across the country in such a way that thousands of people encountered Jesus Christ and experienced conversion and transformation. One of the results was a groundswell of reconciliation. New followers of Jesus sought to make restitution where there had been broken trust. Working for reconciliation of broken trust played out in practical acts of restitution. A church historian records many newly converted shipyard workers began returning stolen items and apologizing to their employers. Suddenly, shipyard owners were faced with hundreds of employees confessing to theft, returning the stolen items, and asking for forgiveness. Accepting these items and restoring the employees was taking so much time from the work day that the shipyards finally posted signs at entrances that read: "If you have been led by God to return what you have stolen, please know that the management forgives you and wishes you to keep what you have taken."

Can we picture God's kingdom demonstrated in restored trust? The Apostle Paul yearned for healing of the broken trust between him and the Corinthian Christians. In a sense it all came down to one word.

Here for this third time I am ready to come to you, and I will not be a burden to you; for I do not seek what is yours, but you; for children are not responsible to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.

I will most gladly spend and be expended for your souls If I love you more, am I to be loved less?

2 Corinthians 12: 14-15

Three missionaries were captured and lined up to be executed. The captain brought the first, a Roman Catholic missionary, before the firing squad. As the firing squad raised their rifles and took aim, the captain asked the priest if he had any last word to say. Thinking quickly, the priest responded by calling out, "Earthquake!" The men in the firing squad looked around to check their footing. By the time they realized it was a hoax, the priest had jumped the wall and escaped.

The captain brought the second missionary, a Baptist, to stand in front of the firing squad. The rifles were raised and aimed. The captain asked if the Baptist had any last words to say. The Baptist called out, "Tornado!" The men in the firing squad turned and looked behind them to check the weather. While they were distracted, the Baptist jumped the wall and escaped.

The Presbyterian missionary came forward. He had watched the other two and was thinking to himself, "All I need to do is call out a natural disaster to distract them and I can escape as well." The rifles were lifted and the squad took aim. The captain asked, "Do you have any last word?" The Presbyterian called out, "Fire!"

If we were allowed only one word to describe how to reconcile relationships what would it be? The word I would choose is, "Deposit!"

The Apostle Paul drew on the imagery of finances when he wanted to heal his broken faith with the church at Corinth. Paul said he would gladly "spend and be spent" for them. He described himself as willing to pay whatever it costs to heal the hurt feelings and renew the trust. He recognized that reconciliation is a costly endeavor. Are we willing to pay the price of healthy relationships?

Dr. Willard Harley, in his book, His Needs, Her Needs, discusses healing broken trust in marriages. Dr. Harley describes a marriage relationship as a joint account held in a "Love Bank." The history of most marriages goes like this. In the romantic early days both the husband and wife are making regular deposits into their joint love account. She surprises him with tickets to his favorite sporting event. He brings home a bouquet of flowers. These deposits grow quickly into a significant sum. Of course, there are withdrawals as well. Little misunderstandings and hurtful interchanges are part of any normal relationship. Those are small withdrawals from the love account. A healthy marriage always has the deposits outweighing the withdrawals.

However, some marriages get into trouble because both the husband and wife begin drawing on past deposits without continuing to make regular new deposits. When the withdrawals outnumber the deposits for too long, eventually the joint account goes bankrupt. Dr. Harley says most marriages break apart because the couple bankrupted their love account. Then the question becomes how to heal overdrawn accounts.

Stephen Covey uses a similar image of an emotional bank account to describe not only marriage and family relationships, but also other relationships. He identifies six ways to make deposits into a relationship that has become overdrawn. Rather than review all six of the deposit techniques, let me highlight the two Paul used with the Corinthians: a sincere apology and developing understanding.

It took me years to appreciate how important a sincere apology is when there has been a hurtful withdrawal from our marriage love account. In our early years, when I hurt Kate's feelings I often was quick to say, "I'm sorry." I was so quick, in fact, that it often came across as flippant and meaningless. I was surprised that many times Kate seemed even more frustrated after the apology. Eventually she helped me understand why a flippant "I'm sorry" was not helpful. She pointed out that I was acting as though no real damage had occurred. She suspected I did not really sense how deeply I had hurt her.

A flippant apology meant I had no intention of changing my future behavior because I did not really think it was that big of a deal. What she wanted was a sincere apology, one that showed I appreciated how much I had hurt her. She wanted me to validate her pain and own my responsibility by changing my behavior in the future.

Here is an important principle in healing relationships: it is not a deposit into the emotional account until the other person counts it as a deposit. A flippant apology is not a deposit into the relationship because the other person does not feel the pain has been validated. The validation of pain and owning the cause of the hurt can help begin healing.

It has been ten years since the Columbine High School shootings. In sorting out my own emotions related to such violence, I discovered the book, The Wounded Spirit, by Frank Peretti. In this autobiographical book, Peretti masterfully describes the appalling cruelties of a junior high boy's locker room when a group of bullies tormented a weaker boy. Assessing the long-range affects of youth bullying and harassment, Peretti describes a scene at a church men's retreat.

During that men’s retreat the one hundred men attending were invited to write about something that had affected them deeply and emotionally. The last night of the retreat a successful businessman in his forties stood to read his poem about how as a child he was overweight and teased in school. As he began to read it he broke down in front of the men and wept. He concluded by telling the group that this was the first time he had felt safe enough to share these painful memories with other men. As he sat down there was an awkward silence.

The next man who stood to read his writing stopped, folded his paper and put it back into his pocket as he spoke. He looked at the one who had just shared and said, "Brother, when I was a kid, I was one of those who picked on kids like you. I thought it was fun. I guess it made me feel cool, like I was somebody. But I want to tell you, it was wrong, and until right now I've never faced up to it. Brother, I need to ask your forgiveness. I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

As the two men embraced, others started crying. In that moment the Holy Spirit opened up emotional healing for men who never knew how deeply wounded they were. Many of us carry wounds from being either bullies or victims. These men were seeing healing of relationships not only because of a sincere apology but also because they saw two men developing understanding for each other's lives.

The second way to make a deposit into an overdrawn account is by seeking to understand the other person. Stephen Covey shares an example about a friend whose son developed a love for baseball. The father had no interest in baseball. One year, however, the father surprised his son by arranging for them both to attend a live game of every professional baseball team. It took six weeks of the summer and some significant expense in travel to make it happen. Those times of attending games together became important bonding times. At the end of the summer a friend asked the father, "Do you like baseball that much?" "No," replied the father, "but I like my son that much."

Years ago the Wall Street Journal published an article titled, "Children Want Parents To Stop Making Plans and Start Hanging Out" (February 28, 2001). The writer describes how she became too busy with managing her son's hockey team to actually spend time with him. Running from fundraisers to parent meetings, she was sure her son knew how much she loved him. But one day her son said, "Mom, you're always running around. Can't you just sit down with me for one minute?"

Several years ago a lie spread throughout our nation. The lie went like this: "Working parents may not have very much time to spend with their children, but what really counts is quality time." Those words "quality time" implied that a parent could simply sit down five or ten minutes a week with a child and make it quality time. That is not how relationships work. Parents don't get quality time on their chosen schedule. The five minutes of quality time happens only after the parent has taken "hanging out" time. If we want five minutes of quality we have to put in an hour of hanging out. Love is spelled T-I-M-E.

With each of our four children I have gone through times of feeling distant. Most of the time the disconnection occurred during those tough teen years. I recall when Ashley was in high school, she and I grew distant. Kate was concerned that my relationship with this daughter was severely strained.

One evening, Kate asked me, "What do you think of when you think of Ashley?" “Honestly?” I responded, “I’m worried that she is headed the wrong way. If she doesn’t change her direction, I think she’ll become a useless, dysfunctional person.” Kate asked me to pray and ask God to give me new eyes to see our daughter with the eyes of Jesus. She challenged me to get to know Ashley as though we were meeting for the first time.

After praying each day for several weeks, God gave me a transformational experience. As we were riding together to school I turned to Ashley and asked, "What do you like about yourself?" At first there was no response and I thought she had blown me off. After a long silence, she answered, "I am a good friend. I am loyal. I can get along with just about anybody." After dropping her off at school I began praying, "Lord, help me enjoy and compliment these characteristics each time I am with her." Over the next few months I began making regular deposits into her trust account. Each time I complimented her about something I could see us enjoying each other. I began noticing wonderful attributes and character qualities I had missed. The more I spent time just hanging out, the healthier our relationship became.

This spring Ashley graduates with her master’s degree and makes plans for a Ph.D. Her husband has been accepted into his own graduate school program. I am so proud of Ashley. It took us some years to work through the hurts and repair the broken relationship…. But it was so worth it! I thank God for helping me reconcile our broken relationship.

Do you have a broken relationship that needs a deposit this week?