Rancho Bernardo Community Presbyterian Church

Matthew 15:1-9, Exodus 20:12

Most of us, if asked to recite the Ten Commandments from memory, would repeat the fifth commandment with these words, “Children, honor your father and mother.” This is incorrect. The word “children” is not in this commandment.

Jesus referred to this commandment twice in his teachings. Both times, it involved an adult remaining respon¬sible to aging parents. In Luke 18, a rich young man asked Jesus which commandments he needed to follow in order to inherit eternal life. Jesus included in his sample of commandments, this commandment to honor one’s parents. If this were only a commandment for children, then it would not have made sense for Jesus to refer to this one. It appears from this context that Jesus considered this commandment to have relevance for adults as well as children.

Jesus interpreted the fifth commandment to speak of an adult’s responsibility for aging parents. Matthew 15 identified a tradition that had developed among the religious leaders of his day. This tradition created a loophole for not remaining responsible for one’s aging parents. The way it worked was people could vow to give a donation to the temple instead of supporting their aging parents. The official term was “corban.” Once a person had pledged the corban to God, then the person need not feel guilty about not taking care of an aging parent.

While Jesus registered his disagreement with this tradition, we can certainly appreciate its intent. Anyone who has struggled with caring for an aging parent knows that it is not easy. It is not easy for the caregiver or for the care-receiver. It is significant that the Hebrew word, cabed, which here translates as “honor,” also means, “to bear a heavy weight.” Honoring our father and mother, then, means to bear the heavy weight in the sense of carrying the burden of their care. It also means to give them value or weight. Let us consider these two aspects of honoring our parents.

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Exodus 20:12

Christmas Eve we will welcome many families with us who are not from our church. It is always a challenge to make them feel comfortable in a different setting. I am thinking of a time years ago, when our family was visiting another church. When the local pastor, a personal friend, invited the children to join him to come forward in the service, I encouraged our three-year-old son to go forward. Our son whispered, “I don’t want to.” I nudged him with words of assurance, “This is a nice church, and it will be fun.” He clung to me as I tried to urge him out of the pew and into the aisle. I offered to walk with him up to the front. We held hands as I walked forward with our son. When we got to the front, I sat down and let go of Nate’s hand so he could climb on my lap. Instead, he took off running back to his mother in the congregation. I was left sitting in the midst of the children and nodding enthusiastically in answer to the pastor’s questions. Someone later teased me, “I’ve seen parents walk their children to the front, but never a child walk his father to the front.”

Like it or not, the day eventually comes when the child becomes the parent and the parent the child. It becomes a true test of family when we enter those years of giving care for the parents who reared us. Dr. Laura Schlessinger, in her book on the Ten Commandments, retells the familiar story of the father who was fed up with his ailing father’s clumsiness.

The story comes from the days when three generations often lived together. In one family, the aging grandfather sat at the table and participated in the lively discussions. As the grand¬father’s hands became shakier, he often spilled his food and made messes at the table. When he reached the point where he accidentally knocked his bowl from the table, the son finally decided to feed his dad in a separate room with a wooden bowl that would not break if dropped. Each day the son brought the aging father his food in the wooden bowl.

The older man ate alone, secluded from the rest of the family. The family discussions among the children seemed less lively, but at least it was less frustration and clean up.

One day, after weeks of the grandfather eating alone, the father came home to find his son had made a wooden bowl. The father was pleased with his son’s work on the wood. “Is this for grandfather?” The boy responded, “No, this is for you when you get too old to sit at the table with the rest of us.” The shaky-handed, clumsy grandfather was returned to the family table that evening.

What goes around comes around. This is often the primary reason given for caring for our aging parents. Our children will watch how we treat them and learn to treat us in the same ways. While this is a practical reason for caring for our aging parents, it is not the primary emphasis of the fifth commandment. Instead the commandment seems to revolve around the building of enduring character. This command¬ment makes a promise—long life and the sustaining of our society. How does caring for an aging parent build character? Let us consider the two meanings of the Hebrew word for honor: bearing the weight and giving the weight.

Caring for an aging parent can be a terrible burden. Nearly twenty years ago, my mother suffered a stroke and was dying of cancer. For the first month after we knew her condition, my dad and two sisters took turns taking care of mom in our home. I was the farthest away so my turns were less frequent. The burden fell primarily to my youngest sister and my dad.

I recall the weekend my dad called. “Bruce, Connie and I have decided to move Mom over with your grandmother. Since we are already paying a full-time nursing staff to care for your grandmother, it made sense to put Mom in one of the other bedrooms where she can also be cared for at the same time.” His voice seemed assured and reasonable at first. Then there was a crack in his tone as he choked up. “I just can’t take care of her any longer. It is killing my back just getting her to the toilet.” My sister Connie came on the phone and explained that Mom was so angry that she had stopped talking entirely. Dad took the phone back and then said, “Do you think we’re doing the right thing?”

How do we answer this question? Many of us have found ourselves in similar situations where every solution makes us feel guilty. We can’t do it on our own since we are bone-weary. It is at this point that we learn to rely on God as our resource. It is at the point of sacrifice that we discover insights and wisdom beyond our years.

Many of us recognize the name of Victor Frankl as an author of the book, Man’s Search for Meaning. The book shares insights that Victor Frankl learned as a result of being a holocaust survivor. His time in a Nazi concentration camp helped him discover the importance of having a purpose to our lives.

Victor Frankl was living in Vienna when Hitler began his persecution of the Jews. Frankl was a young doctor. His parents, fearful and anguished over what was happening, were ecstatic when they learned that he had received an invitation to go to America to work. This was his chance to escape the horrors of Nazi domination. He recalls the day he covered his Star of David, worn on the chest by all Jews of Austria, and completed the papers for emigration to America. He was given the necessary documentation to leave for America.

Walking back to his office, he began to struggle with how the decision would affect his parents. Should he abandon his parents and flee to safety? Should he remain and take care of them? He prayed for God’s guidance.

When Victor Frankl arrived at his office he found a piece of broken marble sitting on his desk. As he tried to figure out what it was, a colleague entered the office. With excitement the colleague picked up the piece of marble and declared, “Look what I found, Dr. Frankl.” The colleague explained that the piece of marble had come from the bombed out synagogue. “It’s the complete capital letter from one of the Ten Commandments! A sign of hope!”

Which of the commandments was it, Frankl asked. The answer became God’s answer for guidance. The man replied that it came from the fifth commandment, “Honor your father and mother….”

Victor Frankl stayed with his parents. He suffered with them. He was sent to a concentration camp. He made his sacrificial choice and paid the cost. Yet, today he is remembered for the amazing insights he gave the world through his writings as a holocaust survivor.

On the one hand, then, we can see that honoring our parents involves making difficult, sacrificial choices for their good over our good. It can develop deeper character and total dependence on God. On the other hand, there is a second interpretation of the Hebrew word. Perhaps it also means to give weight. In this sense, we can grow through the weight we give to the wisdom and experience of our aging parents.

What would it mean to give weight to our aging parents? Years ago, some refugees were fleeing from a war torn country. They wanted to escape, hoping for freedom and a new life. It would involve traveling over difficult, rocky terrain. A young mother approached the group asking if she could join them with her small daughter. After some discussion the men agreed to let the mother and child go with them. The men agreed they would take turns carrying the child since this was the only way the group could make it.

After walking three hard days, the oldest man of the group, weary and tired, told the rest of the group, "Go on without me. I can’t keep up. Leave me here to die.” The group grudgingly agreed to leave him and prepared to move on without him. The young mother took a few steps, and then turned back. Refusing to leave him behind, she approached the aging man and said, “You can’t quit.” Putting her daughter into his arms she said, “It’s your turn to carry my little girl.”

Here is an important truth. Too many aging parents simply need a reason to live. Can we believe that God does not give us burdens without also giving us the necessary strength? Can we believe that aging builds character for both the parents and their children?