Rancho Bernardo Community Presbyterian Church

"Who made you a ruler and judge over us?" While this question was asked of Moses generations ago, many modern families could testify that it gets asked between brothers and sisters, children and parents, even spouses. The tone of voice that goes with this question is usually frustration, anger, or defensiveness. When one person asks another person this question it is a clear sign that the relationship is not healthy.

The proud parents bring home their baby daughter from the hospital. They have planned for months for this day. The nursery is decorated with matching curtains and crib sheets. There is so much baby clothing that she will have to change every three hours to wear it all before she outgrows it. The dad proudly places his daughter in the crib and then begins to negotiate with her. "Okay. Here's the deal. The refrigerator is stocked and you can help yourself. No cooking after midnight. “Lights out by ten o'clock." Yeah. Right. There is no need to clarify roles at this first stage of the relationship. The roles of parent and infant are very clear. Dad provides, protects, directs, and the child is on the receiving end. For several years the parent will decide what she eats, when she leaves the house. Everything about her life is dictated by the parents.

Fourteen years later this same daughter goes to her first high school football game. Her dad is waiting for her after the game. They have argued already about why he feels the need to pick her up instead of letting her walk home alone. "You don't trust me!" she shouted at the dinner table. He responded, "You're right, I don't trust you. I trust you only to the level of your age. You are fourteen."

Dad waits for her near the exit from the high school stadium. Even though he is parked in the regular place where he picks her up each day, he feels the need to walk her to the car. Crowds of teens are walking out as he scans them for the familiar face he loves so dearly. He spots her coming toward him. "Hey!" he calls out and waves to get her attention. She avoids eye contact and rushes by him. He thinks she might not have seen him. He runs, but before he can catch up two older boys sidle up to her, offering her a ride. He moves in close to let the boys know that her dad is near. "I've got a ride," she says as she rolls her eyes toward her dad. The boys study him before peeling off and calling to his daughter that they'll see her in class next Monday.

We can predict the daughter's words as they climb into the car. She climbs into the back seat. As her father puts the key into the ignition she shouts, "Dad, why do you have to embarrass me?" Dad is mystified by her reaction to his obvious concern and love. She doesn't have to say the words, but her tone of voice expresses the unasked question, "Who made you a ruler and judge over me?"

If we understand that daughter's tone of voice, then we can sense how the Corinthian Christians must have felt toward the Apostle Paul. Paul realized his relationship with the Corinthian church was strained. He had fathered this church. He had protected the young, vulnerable congregation. Now they seem to be renegotiating the relationship. What could we learn from this example of shifting roles and renegotiated relationships?

Read 2 Corinthians: 8:1-11

A millionaire lay sick in his bed. When the doctors announced there was nothing more they could do, he contacted three local clergy. A local Rabbi, Priest, and Pastor arrived at his bedside. After explaining his medical condition, he said, "I've never been religious and I don't know which religion can heal. So I'm going to give each of you a million dollars in cash to pray for my healing. If I get better, the million is yours. If I die within a month, then put the million into my casket at the funeral."

The three clergy agreed to these conditions. The man died two weeks later. At the service, the Catholic priest came forward and placed the bag of cash inside the casket. The rabbi came forward and placed his bag into the casket. The Protestant pastor placed his bag into the casket. The casket was closed and buried in the cemetery. As the three clergy were leaving the cemetery they commiserated together.

The priest said, "I could have used that million to do some improvements to our church." The rabbi commented, "I was thinking about an expansion we had planned." They watched the Protestant pastor climb into his brand new Mercedes. The pastor raced the engine and said, "I wrote him a check."

Earlier this spring we’ve established that the central theme of Paul’s second letter to the Corinthians is reconciliation. He wrote to seek transformation in his relationship with that church. Yet, in the middle of this letter he writes about their offerings. Why would Paul have included this section in the letter? Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to save any discussion about money for another occasion? Ironically, as we examine this section about offerings we find a key to transforming relationships.

In order to appreciate what Paul did to heal his strained relationship with the Corinthian church, we need to compare his discussion about giving in this letter with what he wrote on this same topic in his earlier letter. We quickly discover that there is a marked contrast between Paul's approach in 1 Corinthians and in 2 Corinthians. He changed his tone.

Both 1 and 2 Corinthians discuss a special offering that was intended for the poor in Jerusalem. Paul was not talking about the regular tithe for the ongoing ministry of their local church. Just as we have the regular tithes and offerings each week that support our annual budget the Corinthian church had their regular weekly offerings. Every so often, however, we receive a special offering for the deacons to care for those less fortunate. In this same way, they also received special offerings for needs beyond their local community. Paul was discussing a specific offering that was to be given away for people suffering dire straights in Jerusalem. In both letters he is discussing this offering.

In the first letter Paul was very directive about this offering. The verbs are in the imperative. He refers to his earlier instructions and then demands that they follow through with their commitments. "I told you what to do, now do it!" could summarize his tone. It is parental, strict, almost dictatorial. This is the church he fathered and he is telling them what to do.

Contrast this approach in 1 Corinthians 16 with the tone and style of 2 Corinthians 8. Paul does not directly bring up the pledges of the church to the special offering. Instead, he comes at it indirectly. The context is how proud he is of them. Then, it is as though he is saying, "Speaking of how proud I am, I am amazed and proud of the Macedonian churches as well. Have I told you about how the Macedonian churches responded to the special offering?" He proceeds to describe their incredible generosity. Paul gushes about how the Macedonians first gave themselves wholeheartedly to the Lord and then determined to become a blessing to others. Thus, he invites the Corinthians to follow suit.

"We want you to excel also in this generous undertaking. I do not say this as a command." Paul's changed from the earlier imperatives to suggestions and requests. In fact, a few lines later he writes, "in this matter I am giving my advice." What happened? How did Paul go from a parent lecturing his child, "Do it because I said so," to making suggestions and appeals as a friend?

Paul realized part of the hurt he had caused the Corinthian church was a result of his not appreciating that they were growing up and wanted to be treated differently. They were no longer the dependent congregation that needed Paul to make their decisions for them. He needed to shift his leadership style to what was appropriate for their maturity level.

Transforming relationships involves what Ken Blanchard calls “situational leadership.” Ken’s research revolves around a theory of motivation and leadership. Parents, as leaders in the home, can benefit by realizing the various leadership styles that are appropriate for children at various stages of life.

"High task, low support" is a leadership approach that is ideal for small children. The young child is motivated to catch the ball, but needs some directive coaching. “Put your hands a little closer together. Now watch the ball and see if you can catch it.” The Apostle Paul used this leadership style when he first planted the Corinthian church and introduce those baby Christians to Jesus.

Once young people gain some competence in life, they need a "low task, high support" parenting style. Adolescents enjoy making their own decisions. They don’t need specific directions so much as supportive coaching. “I know you can do it,” the parent now as cheerleader says. Advice becomes helpful only when requested. “Mom, I know what I’m doing. You don’t have watch everything I do.” This is Paul’s tone in his second letter to the Corinthians.

Just to complete the situational leadership model, "High task, high support" parenting is appropriate when our children feel like they have lost direction entirely. The son calls call home at age thirty-five with the news that he lost his job and is headed for divorce. He may need a refresher course on the basics of life and also some major cheerleading to get his confidence back again.

The goal, however, is for our adult children to reach the point where they are ready for "low task, low support" maintenance parenting. We enjoy it when our adult children are highly motivated and also highly competent. The parent’s job mostly is to get out of the way and let their adult children blossom. This was where Paul hoped to get with the Corinthian church.

Why the shift in tone? As the Corinthian congregation grew up, they asked Paul to shift his leadership style to match their needs. Healing the hurts of that relationship involved his learning to renegotiate expectations and understand their needs.

I am thinking of a couple that met with me years ago. They had been married forty-three years. One would think they had learned how to renegotiate their roles and remain healthy. But his retirement sent their marriage into a death spiral. "He is driving me crazy," she complained. She wants her house back to herself. It feels like he is underfoot all the time.

When we met he explained to me that he retired from a top management position in a large company. He was used to solving problems and thinking in terms of greater efficiency. He can't figure out where she was coming from when she exploded last week. All he did was try to help her be better organized. He explained to her that she could be more efficient if she started on Mondays by vacuuming at one end of the house and then worked each day on another part of the house. Mop the kitchen on Wednesdays. Dust the living room on Fridays. Her response? "Who made you a ruler and judge over me?

Do you have someone in your life who is asking you to shift your roles and expectations?